You always hear about “commitment” in relationships. But even deeper than your commitment is your determination. You have to be determined to stay committed. Staying together through the hurt, pain and disappointment requires determination. Both of you have to have intention on hanging on even when it hurts. You have to find purpose through the pain. You have to have courage to succeed. It takes determination to give your best and do what it takes to make things work.
The key is coming together to find a healthy balance that will lead to relationship success. You have to be on the same page, focused on the same goal, and unwavering in your loyalty and devotion to each other. And it’s OK if one partner has more confidence than the other- as long as you are both determined to put in the work to build the relationship you want. When there has been a significant blow to the marriage, sometimes one of you is stronger than the other. One of you may feel “it’s possible” while the other is doubtful. But if both of you truly want it, you have the tools, and you are committed to doing the work- IT’S POSSIBLE! It takes consistent effort, purposeful action and resolve. It takes love, faith and dedication. It takes giving all you’ve got to your relationship and learning how to be the best partner you can be.
So, I did some thinking. And based upon my experience with couples, I have found five key elements needed to keep your relationship going:
Commitment- You have to be in this together. There is no way around it. Without commitment, there are no responsibilities and no guarantees. What I mean by this is you don’t feel responsible for the outcome and their is no guarantee that your going to put in the effort to make it work. You’re only partially in- and halfway isn’t good enough!
Focus- Having a central theme for the marriage helps the process of saving the marriage. By setting goals and finding purpose, you have a foundation. Without focus, you have no direction and no ambition. Why are you in the marriage? If you can’t answer that and you’re not focused- you can’t succeed.
Self-control- You have to be disciplined and take deliberate action. Every emotion in the relationship has to be regulated. Don’t make rash decisions. Keep your composure. Without self-control, you may make impulsive decisions that can hurt your marriage in the long run. (Ex: Excessive spending to make yourself feel better. Working more hours rather than dealing with issues at home. Telling everyone about your problems for sympathy rather than talking directly to your spouse).
Solidarity- You have to be on the same page with the same direction. It takes teamwork- and we know there is no “I” in “Team.” It’s not all about you. There are two people in the marriage that have to be unified in decisions and approach. Without solidarity you are not in agreement and there is a lack of connection. Two disconnected individuals can’t make a marriage work. They will only go in circles and find themselves tired, angry and resentful.
Positive mindset- Last but not least, you have to have a positive mindset. This is so important. Determination requires the mindset that “we can do this.” You must have forward thinking which will lead to goal-directed behaviors. Having a solid core belief system that brings confidence and willingness to try is needed for the vitality of the marriage. Without a positive mindset, there will be failure to thrive. You will feel stuck and lifeless. Positive thinking followed by positive action is required to hold your relationship together. Just remember, having a positive mindset without making changes is futile. Don’t just think positive, take action and become the positive influence you need to be in your marriage.
So here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Are you connected?
Are you certain?
Are you confident?
Are you consistent?
Connected brings the idea of unification. You are emotionally, spiritually, physically connected with one another. Being on the same page with common goals and a healthy balance of responsibility will go a long way. In addition, intimacy keeps the relationship fresh- Not Just Sex.
Certainty gives the marriage purpose. If you are certain that you want to be with your spouse, then you making the first steps toward fulfillment. A level of certainty is required to develop a strong foundation to build upon. And you need to be sure that you are willing to do the work.
Confidence- You have to be confident that your marriage is worth fighting for. You have to be confident that you can make the changes needed to be a better spouse. You have to be confident that it’s possible to be happy again and find joy in being together.
Consistency means you engage in deliberate action daily. There is no way around it. If you messed up, and you want your partner’s trust back, you have to prove it through your actions. You have to have constant, persistent action to show that you are committed to saving the marriage. And you don’t have to ask for acknowledgment of your action- just do it! In addition, it’s important to make sure that you are doing the RIGHT actions- so take note of things your partner says would make them happier in the marriage. (If you pay attention, you will be given little hints along the way that can help you.) Consistency is evidence that you are not giving up.
The truth is- only time will tell… Your relationship will be tested. You have to be connected, certain, confident and consistent. You have to be committed- Be completely focused on your mission- practice discipline and self-control at all times, have a solid foundation- and keep positive thoughts about your partner and the direction of your marriage. It may seem challenging. It may seem overwhelming. You may think it’s too hard. All I can say is this- your determination is necessary to build success along the way. It won’t be easy- but it’s possible.